*TRIGGER WARNING!*
Over the last few weeks, I have been in a funk. Noticed Dougal was paying more attention to me overall, but I just chalked it up to the new puppy in the house. Dreams are coming with more force once again and really didn't fully put waking up with Dougal on my chest and his overly wet tongue waking me up more than what I deemed as "normal". Checking the month, damn it is almost October! The dawn of "My Cycle". While my PTSD happens year-round, it tends to get particularly bad between October and April as that was the time period I was stuck in the desert.
The last few years have not been very bad overall, but I have had a lot of different things going on that helped me force myself out of my "funks". We have got to the point where everything seems to have leveled out here at home. Maybe that is not a good thing? Does my life have to be bouncing from one project to another just so I can focus on the present and not revert to thinking about crap that happened 30+ years ago? It all just sucks so bad. Why can't I just have a normal brain where stuff bothers me for a while and then the memory is simply forgotten? Why is my brain locked on checking out everyone around me for possible threats, why do I set up how I am going to get out of a room or building as soon as I enter? Why do I still see and smell the burning bodies of those hapless individuals who were simply trying to get home to their families? 30+ years ago...
Is it me simply wanting to feel pain? Dredge up old memories so my heart can hurt, or maybe a more selfish reason, so others will feel sorry for me? Why then do I want to live in segregation from everyone else, not wanting to be judged by strangers that I am judging if they are a threat to me or my family? Sorry, yes I know I am rambling.
How bad is this cycle going to be? The intrusive thoughts are already here and there is no real reason why. Yes, the visit to my Shrink is already on the books. Just so fucking tired of this!
The last few years have not been very bad overall, but I have had a lot of different things going on that helped me force myself out of my "funks". We have got to the point where everything seems to have leveled out here at home. Maybe that is not a good thing? Does my life have to be bouncing from one project to another just so I can focus on the present and not revert to thinking about crap that happened 30+ years ago? It all just sucks so bad. Why can't I just have a normal brain where stuff bothers me for a while and then the memory is simply forgotten? Why is my brain locked on checking out everyone around me for possible threats, why do I set up how I am going to get out of a room or building as soon as I enter? Why do I still see and smell the burning bodies of those hapless individuals who were simply trying to get home to their families? 30+ years ago...
Is it me simply wanting to feel pain? Dredge up old memories so my heart can hurt, or maybe a more selfish reason, so others will feel sorry for me? Why then do I want to live in segregation from everyone else, not wanting to be judged by strangers that I am judging if they are a threat to me or my family? Sorry, yes I know I am rambling.
How bad is this cycle going to be? The intrusive thoughts are already here and there is no real reason why. Yes, the visit to my Shrink is already on the books. Just so fucking tired of this!
