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The Love of PTSD

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While I am coming out of my normal PTSD season these last body blows have been intense. My PTSD tends to go in a cycle from October through March I tend to go through my worst symptoms. Doctors have theorized that those time may be the worst due to that was the time frame I was in theater in the Middle East. Makes sense to me, but also amazes me how our brains work.

This blog entry is not really for the readers, but more for me. I have found that sitting down and writing things out tends to put me more at ease, and less stressed. I do post these as I also feel that the more, I can let people see how PTSD works it may help them understand it better.

For me there is a battle going on internally, all the time. Having to deal with the mundane normal activities along with always being on edge, waiting for that rifle report, or trying to find the helicopter or jet flying overhead, the depression that goes along with knowing I am not ok. It is exhausting! The dark thoughts always come telling me that there is an easier way, just pick up that knife, end it, and your pain will go away. This fight is 24 hours a day and this is typical for combat-related PTSD. Wonder why 22 of us a day end ourselves? There is a point where the pain inside becomes too much for anyone. Yes, I have hit it a couple of times.

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The current mountain I am attempting to overcome is a rash of nightmares and flashbacks. Normally for nightmares, I fight through 2 or 3 a week during my non-cycle times and once a night during my cycle, flashbacks are fewer if I am observant of what may set them off. But I want to explain the nightmares. Many people simply think that we are just talking about a normal nightmare that all of us have. An easy explanation is to take a normal nightmare and feed it some crack. My nightmares typically place me in combat situations I have been in, my body also goes into a combat mode. Normally while dreaming the body disconnects so that there is little to no movement while dreaming. Not in one of my PTSD-based dreams. I yell to friends, some long gone, to get down or where to direct their fire. I thrash around, heart pounding and sweating like I was in the desert, I have even thrown my (ex) wife off the bed while looking for my gas mask.

Yes, there are drugs. The drugs that I can get all make it so when I wake up, I feel as though I have been on a 3-day bender. Functioning is pretty much nonexistent the following day, not to mention irritable, and that adds to the internal battle as I cannot be "man of the house". Exhausting!

I just want to forget! This was over 20 years ago! I know there is no end to it, and never will be. It was hard-wired into my brain when it happened or that's how it was explained to me. This is my "normal" and it does help to know that I am not the only one.

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Author
Abhean
Read time
3 min read
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